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my past wasn't the past i wish i had.

I am not proud at all, onot of all the disgusting stuff I did.

I was stupid, wasn't thinking....

and just like normal people, when you don't think about what you're going to do, you'll end up doing something extremely stupid.

now, my past is chasing me, as if I can't pretend that that stupid girl wasn't me.

why can't i do that?

I've changed.

i'm rational and more mature.

I don't believe that my past should affect my present and my future, but still....it does. :(

as i think about it, i feel like i'm falling apart, into pieces so small that noone can put together.

i feel weak, because what is said is true, what people heard is true, even if iwsh it wasn't.

nomatter how hard�i wish it to be just their imagination, i know, that in the end, the truth is what it is, and i can't escape from it.

i am trapped in my past, a time that wished i would get rid of.

A life that i wish i never had.

and it is killing me slowly as I go through those horrifying memories.

Dammmmmmmmmmmmmit just lost all that i was writting fucking laptop always does this.....ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

now i've lost my concentration was talking about dating and realizing what i want is maybe not the casual thing i have gottin myself into with Mike. I do want to be called and asked how my day was i do want a call and ask me out i do want flowers and wooing i do want to know that you are thinking of me and i do want a serious relationshop one that is fun easy and effort!!�that is what i truly want just a little effort!!

Had a few doctors� appointments latley high blood pressure seems to be a problem but on the other hand had my first aids test and thankfull to say i'm clean!

day five of movies and laying about with the sickness.....I hate it!! Just been really feeling out of it latley and it's time to take control back take it back Alexis!! well after the sickness time to get your shit together......

Everything i try, fails..

everything i do, seems useless...

what can i do to make my life work....?

I try so hard to study,

but economics is so hard for me, especially this percentage of revenue and bla bla bla....

i try to understand it, but it seems so difficult as i try.

I even prefer Math over this. i feel so frustrated.

it's so hard!!!!! huhuhuu.... :'( cry cry....